Have you ever had that feeling that no matter what... you'll always end up losing every thing you needed to most to stay?
I am in love. I am deep deep in love. Most people don't see our connection, or if they do - they only see up to a extend. Our love is greater than anything I have ever felt. I cannot speak of your name anywhere because it could get you into trouble. But I wanted you to know that I love you.
And to all the ones who think it'll never come... Stop. Breath. And live. Stop looking - it could be right in your face.
When your tears are spent on your last pretense And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense When it's in your spine, like you've walked for miles And the only thing you want is just to be still for a while
And if your heart wears thin, I will hold you up And I will hide you when it gets too much I'll be right beside you I'll be right beside you
When you're overwhelmed and you've lost your breath And the space between the things you know is blurry nonetheless When you try to speak, but you make no sound And the words you want are out of reach, but they've never been so loud
And if your heart wears thin I will hold you up And I will hide you when it gets too much I'll be right beside you I'll be right beside you
I will stay Nobody will break you Yeah
Trust in me, trust in me Don't pull away Just trust in me, trust in me I'm just trying to keep this together, 'Cause I could do worse and you could do better
Tears are spent on your last pretense, And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense
And if your heart wears thin, I will hold you up And I will hide you when it gets too much I'll be right beside you Nobody will break you
If your heart wears thin, I will hold you up And I will hide you when it gets too much I will stay beside you Nobody will break you
what if? What if I'm scared of today? What if I'm scared of tomorrow? What if I'm scared of the change this world will bring to you? What if I fear I will lose you, and do? What If I swear to protect you and fail? What if I promise I will never let you down, and do? What if in these years I've spent in this world, I become to see that I ruined all I had? What if my only hopes were you, and I broke yours? What if in my future I am alone? What if in my past I hurt and failed all my loved ones? What if when I die... you won't remember me?...
yeahhh... I think I kinda fail at being gay LOL okay, so let's clear that up... I fall in love with a person, it doesn't matter what the body is (boy or girl I mean)... then usually I prefer to stay away from guys for my previous experiences... but I still fall for them. Right now I am falling for HIM... I really like him... and I know the parental unit is gonna bug me... but it's coolll
I'll be done, enough at least - I hope. I really want to go to your party Ginger ^-^
I saw Ms. Woods today. I <3 her. she's just pure awesomeness. I miss her... I saw Alisha too, she was all bright and shiny ^-^ She invited me for her birthday horse ridding trip type thing. yeah.
oh, fail. I found out that I can't get into volleyball cause it's at the same time as choir. sorry - I don't quit choir this time. and else then that... there's no other sports interesting at school... well, there is swimming, but it's speed swim... I like under - FREE swimming. Oh well... ugh... I hate this... guess what date it is today - FRIDAY 13th! hope you get in a crash and kill yourself, or even better - you trip and fall on your tooth brush and poke it through your eye ball and die ^-^ good luck!
Blah... MY PARTY WAS AWESOME :P best idea ever mama ^_^ Nate - I owe you so much lol :P but I don't care. You have no idea how happy I was to have you there. and everybody else too! I <3 U cow - I was so happy to see you.... even though, you had glasses on... I'm sorry you had to be in the same room as me and Jenn though... I saw you stiffen, and I stiffened too just to think I was hurting you. Jenn- I don't know if you read my blog still, but I think you need to think a little sometimes LOL. I was happy to see you, even for a couple minutes. (by the way, I'm not such a big fan of milk chocolate, it was good, but I shared with mam and dad, I heart dark chocolate)
Nate again lol - I'm gonna bust my ass I swear! I'll be there for ya B-day - and with my wonderful card ;)... you might enjoy if I give it to you alone lol.... people might laught at the card - and you LOL. evil me ^_^ I miss you. I really wanted to see you so much. By the way - my gift has arrived ^-^ yeah. LOL... sorry - can't tell you what it is, but my lesbian friends from Montreal gave me probably the best gift lol.... mouhahaha.... yeah... lol I <3 you guys. I miss you. I missed you too cow <3
I . I break hearts. I've always done it. Now I broke the hearts of the two people that care for me soo much. The only two that were always there for me. I can't face you. I can't tell you I'm sorry. I can't tell you I didn't mean all I said. I can't tell you I love you. I'm not who I was. I'm nobody right now. I am alone. Because I broke you all. I can't face you!!! I can't! IT HURTS ME TOO MUCH!!! When I said they were all I had, I meant all I had besides you, mama & dada. I'm such a fool. I can't do this anymore... I can't pretend. I can't be anybody. I can't smile and mean it. I can only cry and scream and throw all my anger at the people that stand beside me, and hurt them to the point of no come back.
You know it. You dear diary, you know that all I have is my job. IS IT ALL I HAVE TO SEE THEM!!! If I don't have a job, and they don't have money, how am'I gonna be able to see them! Does she understands that?! Does she knows I never screamed like that in my entire life! Does she know all I wanted to say is that if she was to take away my job I'd be leaving? Does she knows it was the lowest thing she could have ever told me? Does she knows I can't talk to her when something bugs me because I fear she'll act exactly like that? Does she knows she broke me...? I never screamed. Ever before. Not like that. It was like someone had stabbed me over. and over. and over. Every time I would think about not seeing them, it was another stabbing - deeper, and deeper, and forever more deep. I'm shaking right now as I try to describe what it did to me. I don't know if she cares. I don't know if she meant it. I don't even know if I care to know. I think that for me it's done, and I won't be able to forget that. I haven't talked to her since yesterday around 7. And I don't want to. I don't want to have to face her. I know it's not a big case anymore, but that was a cheap shot, and even if she says I'm a brat, I'm a spoiled princess, and all she wants to call me, I know she means it. Even Katie as never done this much to me. Maybe I am being spoiled, maybe I am being a brat, but I DON't CARE! I don't give a fuck when you come back at me and tell me what you told me. ...It hurts soo much... Do you think she understands???